Lately I have been realizing just how desperately dependant I am on the love of God. I am so utterly dependant in fact that I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing to offer God except this desperate dependence. Oh, how imperfect and broken I am and how desperately, desperately dependant I am on the love and grace of God!
I think it is so easy to know that we are broken and that we all have struggles, but to actually face those struggles in light of God’s love for us and get to know them instead of keeping them in hiding, is something completely different altogether. Facing the fact that we are imperfect and flawed is the last thing we want to do. It is such an ego crusher for us because we want to be perfect. We want to be the most loving husbands or wives who never fail to love their spouses; we want to be the perfect parents; we want to be the perfect employees. And while some of these desires may be admirable they often get in the way of our recognizing our total and utter failure to be ANY of these things perfectly (I have only been married three months and I already know how far short of perfection I fall as a husband. I cannot even begin to tell you what it means to be a parent). When we face ourselves we see the nasty imperfections that we have tried to keep hidden from ourselves all our years. And when we see those, we see the people that we have come to despise in our life time; we see the little boy who could never get the highest grades on his math exam or the little girl who could never please her parents. Imperfection is the very reason we feel unlovable, and it’s our chief excuse to reject God’s love for us.
For some reason the reality of my imperfection has flown right into my face on numerous occasions this past month and it has been impossible to shake. I have come face to face with my failings as a husband and my failings to love people and serve them perfectly. No matter how hard I have tried to avoid it, I have come to the pride-busting, gut-wrenching truth that no matter how utterly hard I try I will always fail at being perfect in this life. I will always fail at meeting God’s standard of perfection and I will fail perhaps even more at my own standards of perfection.
When we have the courage to come to the realization of our total inability to be perfect, and are ready to let God love us in spite of these imperfections, then we are ready for a new stage in our walks with Jesus; a stage which brings us to a place of total dependence on a Love which is not our own, and a salvation that is nothing short of a gift in Jesus name. This is where I am right now. This is the new chapter of my journey with Abba.
I have heard about the love of God almost my whole life. First from my dad, then from church, then from a variety of different authors I have read, but I am seeing just how impossible it is to even begin to grasp God’s love until we come to grips with the ugly parts of ourselves, allowing Jesus to love us with them. Until this happens the love of God is mere intellectual goo with no form of importance or substance whatsoever.
Resting in God’s love means not defaulting to self-criticism in the midst of failure, but to acceptance of a love that “keeps no record of wrongs” (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-7). It means not grabbing hold of our failures and keeping them close, but acknowledging them before God in trust that He won’t turn His back on us. It means letting God love us perfectly, driving out all our fear of condemnation (see 1 John 4:8).
Romans 5:8 says that God “proved His own love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” That is the essence of the love of God. It is a love that reaches out to the prideful and the self-centered, for those trapped in sin and barely making it through life. It’s a love for those who know that they have nothing to offer God except a life of total and utter dependence on this love for salvation and for daily peace.
God has made it nearly impossible for me to avoid my broken parts these past few weeks and I wonder if it is the beginning of an answer to my prayer to know His love more. For what better way to know His love than to see Him accept and have compassion on me during my daily, moment by moment existence.
When we realize that all we have to give God is imperfection, and that this is okay with him because of Jesus’ saving work on Calvary , then I think we are really on to something.
Andy
